Tuesday, August 18, 2009


I'm not really OK, I keep lying to everyone.
(I doubt many people actually read this so I have a place to whine on without reprecussions...and I don't know how to spell that word, lol.)
The truth is, I'm ridicously homesick. Maybe it's strange to be homesick for a country (the U.S.) I have been away from for so long but the feeling simply. Truth be told, I don't fit in too well here. Especially not Hoofddorp, this horribly boring hole of a village I'm stuck in. At one point I was convinced everything was falling into place, now it's all mixed-up again, and I'm not quite sure if I can put it right.
Sometimes I frustrate myself: there's really nothing wrong with my life, so why do I always feel like there is? Why do I feel like crying all the time? It's that feeling of something being missing. Something intangible.
I'm sick of feeling like a foreigner, making mistakes and not being able to express myself in a language. In the U.S. sometimes I feel strange too, because no-one understands it when I ramble on about Dutch football(erm, soccer) or things like that, but at least it's easier to adapt. No accent to give me away.

And I miss alot of people. I guess I'm angry at all the people I've lost over the years, just because of stupid parents that decided to ship me all over the place like a lost package.
(The truth is I can't go back to the U.S., I don't have a choice, and I should just tell that to myself so I can stop hoping.)
Stupid war raging in my brain, not feeling at ease anywhere.
I don't know if it will ever be alright. But I can keep hoping.