Friday, May 28, 2010


Doesn't everyone has something like a delete-button in their mind? I do, at least, and the delete-button in my mind has been just as active these past few weeks as the one on my keyboard.
My art teacher asked me a few days ago to redo a wooden panel I had been sawing the entire lesson.
I had an answer ready for her: "Well you can take this piece of wood and stick it up-"
I hastily chose to press DELETE in my mind and replaced it with a simple "OK."

S.K.* asked everyone in general at work today if someone wanted to go to a certain art exhibition with him.
What I wanted to say: "Yes, I'd love to. Totally. And I love your hair." (Btw, marry me. Haha just kidding.XD)
The delete-button in my mind went over those last few sentences (especially that last bit) and replaced it with: silence. After a few moments I said, 'Sorry, I already went.'

Thus is the magic of the delete-button.

I am SUCH a wimp. :)

*S.K. skinny kid with anime hair, otherwise known as some guy I like who I'm too much of a wuss to actually talk to.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

World Press Photos & some thoughts on me.....

My weekend was pretty awesome. First, Mattie celebrated her birthday party on Friday night, which went on until about somewhere 2 o'clock in the morning. It was totally fun. She invited loads of people from school and also some exchange students from Macau. Unfortunately her brother was celebrating his birthday too, so all this little puberescent friends were being annoying, smoking alot and getting amazingly drunk.(Like falling-down-on-the-way-to-the-bathroom-smashing-things-climbing-trees- drunk. Know what I mean?) I slept over at Mattie's house along with her Dylan, Mattie and Maria (her little sister) when to Amsterdam to the World Press Photo exhibition. If you don't know what that is, it's a compilation of the best photojournalism chosen by a panel of experts each year.
After that we raided the Chinese supermarket in China Town, where Mattie bought this strangely yummy mochi ice cream (Japanese ice cream.) It's pretty hard to explain, it has a papery-like outside and an ice cream-like inside.

Everthing was fun and everything, but like everytime I do anything social (haha,) I'm always left with a feeling of I've just made an ass out of myself, even when I haven't. When I'm around other people I'm so afraid of seeming strange or stupid that I try a little too much of my best to seem normal, so that's it's not natural anymore.
I was talking with Mattie's dad when he was bringing me home from her house. Her dad, who is a very frank person, said suddenly when we were discussing Erica (a friend of Mattie's): "She's always sure of herself. Like she's saying I'm here. You should work on that."
I didn't really know what to reply to that.
"Yeah, maybe I should."
"Your mother is a very confident person. You could learn something from her. It doesn't help you in the long run being so unsure of yourself the whole time."
Haha, yup her dad is always like that. So truthful about everything it is lamost unsettling. (I guess the world needs people like that though...we can't all be polite and afraid of hurting people's feelings.) I have always tried my best to hide my insecurity...I guess I'm not as good at it as I thought. Worst of all, he was right.
I laughed. "I guess so."
He went on. "You're pretty, and a nice girl...where does this insecurity come from? There's no need. Well it does make you seem sweet." He laughed, and I laughed along, but with a hint of sadness.

After that I didn't say anything. I didn't want to explain to him about how I was bullied at school for two years.
When he dropped me off at home I sat thinking about it for a long time. I remembered those two years, and how they robbed me of what little self-confidence as I has as a 12-year-old. Two years of silence. Two years of not having a single friend. To this day is still effects me in everything I do....I'm not still not 100% sure of myself with anything. I'm quite fast at putting myself down when I feel like I've made a mistake, which is usually most of the time.
I'm always surprised when people call me pretty. I get caught so off guard that people could see me in a such different light as I see myself....they look through their lens and call me pretty, I can look at myself through mine and tell myself I am not.

I knew those two years were absolutely awful, but I can only remember them quite vaguely. I think I blocked out everything. I can only remember flashes of memories, nothing more....thank God for that. I don't want to remember anything.

Will I ever one day start liking myself? We shall see.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Amazing stuff/ stuff that made me laugh this week..

Every week I usually stumble across something, from friends or on the internet, that truly makes me laugh out loud. Or something that really inspires me or makes me feel happy inside. So I'd like to make a collection of things I liked this week and make a collection of them here so these thoughts won't be lost.

1. Mattie's lemon tart

I gave her the idea for this recipe that I found on She brought a piece to school and demn, it ws good. :P!/photo.php?pid=31286568&id=1202797376

That's the link there if you want to see this awesome cake :P

2. This blog from a very funny amateur cook. Not only is she witty (her blog motto is: ganing weight, one pastry at a time :P,) but she also has some pretty brilliant recipe ideas (Key Lime Pie cupcakes, anyone?) The title alone of some of the recipes makes you simeultaneously want to drool and hop on a treadmill and jog 5 kilometers.

I also find this picture on that site:

Amazing. XD The green thing on the left is a cactus, in case that wasn't clear.

3. Haha. I laughed out loud at this one. I did. Very loud.

Become a fan of this group on Facebook I LFMAO when I saw these suggestions on Google. You won't regret it.

4. The recipe for Earl Grey cupcakes. Yes, they exist. My favorite tea sort. :O

I'm going to so make these sometime. Don't tell me this doesn't look good.

And on the same site I found a lovely quote which I think is going to become one of my favorites. So the last one:


Saturday, April 10, 2010

Biology, Randomness. The Meaning of Life.

In biology we learned yesterday that most of the bees in a bee hive are female. Most males, when they are born, are simply useful to impregnate the Queen. After the deed they are driven outside out of the bee hive and left to die.
As disturbing as this is (hihi,) I also think it's quite interesting how the women are always on top in the animal kingdom. Women have the power. Females are the boss. Female prey mantises eat male prey matisses after mating. I guess you could say that with humans it's exactly the same way, except that we females are silly enough to let the men actually believe that they are in charge. (Maybe we should stop doing gives them ideas.....)

To switch to a totally different subject, I think it's really time for a change. I've come to a conclusion that I really need to turn things around, preferably before we go on vacation to Florida. It's a kind of goal I have set for myself.
But what's wrong, you say? Well...just about everything. I've gotten extremely lazy lately with organization and planning of homework. The only way I'm getting by in school nowadays is because (not to sound conceited) I am a quick learner and have a lot of useless background knowledge stored in my brain. Otherwise I think my grades would have been terrible. My grades are OK right now, but I think they could be better.
And yeah.....there is of course, other stuff as well....but I think I will explain that in another post.

Friday, April 2, 2010


Today is such a lazy, unproductive day and I have decided not to do anything. I did attempt to clean up my room/ do some homework, nothing really came out of any of these attempts, except perhaps that I am a couple of sums further with my economics homework. Oh's Good Friday, mom is making gado-gado (Indonesian dish....a kind of salad with peanut tastes better then it sounds) so we won't be eating meat.
I'm pretty sure my French test on Thursday went badly, but that is completely not my French teacher was being horridly distracting. :O He was watering a plant in the windowsill during the test and it fell out the open window. On top of everything else, it was raining which added to the all-around hilarity.

Me:"I guess that plant's getting enough water now....."

The man is completely nuts. He does things like that every time we take a test, looking up pictures on the computer, making clicking noises or saying random things like, "I have so many papers to grade! Shall I kill myself?"
(Yes, he actually said that. I was tempted to say that he should and get it over with so I could finally finish my test in peace.)
Other news: My salary has just come in (all 103 euros) so now I can go on a shopping spreee!!!! Yay!! I think maybe I'll get Mattie to go to Amsterdam to shop with me.
Grr....perhaps I really should clean up my room....I know being unproductive today is going to cost me later, because I think I'm going to be busy the upcoming days. Somehow I still can't motivate myself....:P

Friday, February 5, 2010

My Valentine's Day Confession: Battlling the Winter Blues

I'm sitting here alone on Valentine's Day, with a major cold, sipping a cup of tea and attemting to recuperate from God-know's-what. I'm not really feeling too well. The problem is, I haven't been feeling too well for the last couple of months.
Truth is, I don't like the winter at all. I can't stand it. The whole winter long I'm sniffly, attempting to make it through the day with cups of tea and lots of tissues and vitamin pills. Winter is also extremely bad for my skin, and my eczema has been spreading itself throughout my body like some kind of bad disease. That's also the reason I haven't been using my super new cool webcam I got for Christmas lately (new...OK, it's been two months, but whatever,) because I don't actually want anyone to see what I look like at the moment.
Trust me, it's baaddddddddd.
Winter also shifts my mindset. It makes my brain settle down into a kind of foggy depression, and my energy level is generally very low. Winter also gives me dandruff, causes me to sleep badly, etcetera, if I'm ever grumpy, you know what my problem is. I always try to stay optimistic,'s almost March (half-way February) so the end is in sight. In the spring everything goes back to normal,and I go back to being happy and chipper again. :)

Happy Valentine's Day everyone, to everyone who is celebrating it.

Peace out,