Friday, May 28, 2010


Doesn't everyone has something like a delete-button in their mind? I do, at least, and the delete-button in my mind has been just as active these past few weeks as the one on my keyboard.
My art teacher asked me a few days ago to redo a wooden panel I had been sawing the entire lesson.
I had an answer ready for her: "Well you can take this piece of wood and stick it up-"
I hastily chose to press DELETE in my mind and replaced it with a simple "OK."

S.K.* asked everyone in general at work today if someone wanted to go to a certain art exhibition with him.
What I wanted to say: "Yes, I'd love to. Totally. And I love your hair." (Btw, marry me. Haha just kidding.XD)
The delete-button in my mind went over those last few sentences (especially that last bit) and replaced it with: silence. After a few moments I said, 'Sorry, I already went.'

Thus is the magic of the delete-button.

I am SUCH a wimp. :)

*S.K. skinny kid with anime hair, otherwise known as some guy I like who I'm too much of a wuss to actually talk to.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

World Press Photos & some thoughts on me.....

My weekend was pretty awesome. First, Mattie celebrated her birthday party on Friday night, which went on until about somewhere 2 o'clock in the morning. It was totally fun. She invited loads of people from school and also some exchange students from Macau. Unfortunately her brother was celebrating his birthday too, so all this little puberescent friends were being annoying, smoking alot and getting amazingly drunk.(Like falling-down-on-the-way-to-the-bathroom-smashing-things-climbing-trees- drunk. Know what I mean?) I slept over at Mattie's house along with her Dylan, Mattie and Maria (her little sister) when to Amsterdam to the World Press Photo exhibition. If you don't know what that is, it's a compilation of the best photojournalism chosen by a panel of experts each year.
After that we raided the Chinese supermarket in China Town, where Mattie bought this strangely yummy mochi ice cream (Japanese ice cream.) It's pretty hard to explain, it has a papery-like outside and an ice cream-like inside.

Everthing was fun and everything, but like everytime I do anything social (haha,) I'm always left with a feeling of I've just made an ass out of myself, even when I haven't. When I'm around other people I'm so afraid of seeming strange or stupid that I try a little too much of my best to seem normal, so that's it's not natural anymore.
I was talking with Mattie's dad when he was bringing me home from her house. Her dad, who is a very frank person, said suddenly when we were discussing Erica (a friend of Mattie's): "She's always sure of herself. Like she's saying I'm here. You should work on that."
I didn't really know what to reply to that.
"Yeah, maybe I should."
"Your mother is a very confident person. You could learn something from her. It doesn't help you in the long run being so unsure of yourself the whole time."
Haha, yup her dad is always like that. So truthful about everything it is lamost unsettling. (I guess the world needs people like that though...we can't all be polite and afraid of hurting people's feelings.) I have always tried my best to hide my insecurity...I guess I'm not as good at it as I thought. Worst of all, he was right.
I laughed. "I guess so."
He went on. "You're pretty, and a nice girl...where does this insecurity come from? There's no need. Well it does make you seem sweet." He laughed, and I laughed along, but with a hint of sadness.

After that I didn't say anything. I didn't want to explain to him about how I was bullied at school for two years.
When he dropped me off at home I sat thinking about it for a long time. I remembered those two years, and how they robbed me of what little self-confidence as I has as a 12-year-old. Two years of silence. Two years of not having a single friend. To this day is still effects me in everything I do....I'm not still not 100% sure of myself with anything. I'm quite fast at putting myself down when I feel like I've made a mistake, which is usually most of the time.
I'm always surprised when people call me pretty. I get caught so off guard that people could see me in a such different light as I see myself....they look through their lens and call me pretty, I can look at myself through mine and tell myself I am not.

I knew those two years were absolutely awful, but I can only remember them quite vaguely. I think I blocked out everything. I can only remember flashes of memories, nothing more....thank God for that. I don't want to remember anything.

Will I ever one day start liking myself? We shall see.